Sexuality: If That's All There Is
“I’m over forty years old, and I say it’s time I had a better sexual relationship,” Susan says to her friends.
“Are you thinking of having an affair?” Joni asks.
“No,” Susan answers. “I’m going to get the hierarchy out of my bedroom.”
Susan tells her friends that she wrote down her story in verse as it helped her to think clearly and concisely.
I’ve done the routine many times; I’m in search of something fresh.
I’m looking elsewhere than to those on top in matters of the flesh.
"Those on top?" Bonnie asks. "I guess you mean men." Susan explains:
Women know that heterosexual males are positioned right on top,
So we’ve gotten their limited perspective, for years, without a stop.
I've accepted that I’ll be waiting years, drawing on my pension,
If I expect males to bring sexuality a new dimension.
"That's being realistic," Bonnie responds.
Susan keeps on with the story.
Bob’s a loving man and in many ways he usually treats me well,
But there’s a hierarchy in our bedroom, so our sex has gone to hell.
We’re partners as parents, travelers, and when entertaining friends,
But we’re not really sexual partners, and I’m ready for this hoax to end.
Some nights I find I lie awake with Bob beside me snoring
And I dream how sex would be if it were a little less boring.
There's been new positions, toys, foreplay when lights are dim,
Yet, my lusty, earthy, powerful, sensual self — I don’t express with him.
Susan's friends are smiling. Joni says, “That lusty, powerful, sensual part, I'm waiting to share that too.” After a toast to lust and sensuality, Susan tells them about Bob's response when she tried to explain her feelings.
“I’ve tried to be a good lover. Aren’t your orgasms good for you?”
“That’s not it," I said. "Our view is too limited; we need to try something new.”
He said, “Your point is clever, but I must clarify a few details.”
Then he informed me about what he called the sexuality of males.
"What? We women already know about men’s definition of sexuality; we are constantly pressured to change ourselves to fit that narrow view if we want them to see us as attractive," Bonnie replies. Susan agrees and then tells them how she responded to Bob.
Don’t you think we women know that view of sexuality?
Men flaunt that nonsense on the internet and TV.
We all see endless clips of men’s latest greatest wet dreams —
Models, breast implants, leggy cheerleaders for your football teams!
By twelve, I knew I'd best avoid being labeled forward or sleazy,
There’s no terms for males comparable to “whore,” “slut,” or “easy.”
I watched boys be expected to be out for brief thrills and joys,
Sow wild oats, hump and dump, for boys will be boys!
How can you expect women to think that view of sex is grand,
When we have to ignore our natural powerful selves just to hold your hand.
Sexuality between equals means respectfully sharing what is good,
But we’ll never find that magic when shrouded in “you women should.”
Susan tells her friends that at first Bob was defensive. But then he thought about his experience with hierarchical roles and decided to listen, even if it was uncomfortable hearing a lower group's perspective. Susan put his response in verse:
My impulse is to argue and convince, but now I’ll acquiesce.
For my view from the top would appear only naive, yes even clueless.
I’m able to see that you’re not making personal attacks on me.
If I judge and blame you, I’ll keep this hierarchy going indefinitely.
"So what happened next?" Joni asks. Susan explained what she then told Bob:
Our sexualities are limited, for hierarchies distort our view,
So when we move away from them, we’ll uncover what to do.
Let’s turn the volume down on this dominant male perspective,
And listen to what the females say, the view that’s been neglected.
Our sexuality is a gift of nature, a connection to life and birth,
An age-old, powerful experience that honors Mother Earth.
We’ve got aggressive driving sex, let’s get some balance back,
Let’s add the sublime elegance, quite the aphrodisiac.
The physical act? Good. But give us a break, there’s more out there,
The erotic colors of sunset, wind flowing through our hair.
A wild fantasy that we invent, filled with finesse and flair,
A lively romp, or improv dance when we always touch somewhere.
Conversations meander, spiral, then wander here and there,
We pause to draw each other out, we listen, become aware.
No rush, it’s a long-lasting activity, no predetermined goal.
Journey toward spiritual intimacy – communicate soul to soul.
Susan smiles as she described how Bob took a deep breath, paused, then smiled, and hugged her. Since then, when they talk about their sexualities, new ideas have appeared.
In hierarchies, we take diversity, then judgment is applied.
We choose some traits we name as best, the rest are cast aside.
There are many natural body types, and many different features,
It is time to include everyone when looking for sexy creatures.
Now we meander around our neighborhood or down another city street,
And note at least one thing that’s sexy about each adult we meet.
At first we mention appearance — one’s body or dressing style,
A person’s hair, hands, shoulders, or stance or butt, a smile.
Before long we start to notice more subtle aspects catch our eye.
We mention new forms of sexiness that before have passed us by.
The tone of voice on certain words, love and caring for a child,
A peaceful way of listening, a laugh alive and wild.
Soon we see a richness of sexiness in ourselves, just as we expected.
Intonations, subtle motions, body parts, sounds that we’d neglected.
You talk about increasing our sexual energy, playfulness, and more —
A new encyclopedia of items to talk about, laugh about, explore!